And poppies and charms can make us sleep as well
by CaptainElf
Summary: Jester feels so alone, he's breaking inside and no one sees it. For jatd4ever. Title inspired by the poem "Death be not proud" by John Donne.


**A/N: This was yet another jatd request from jatd4ever, with the prompt "I'll be looking for my dignity". True to my forte, this is a tragedy. The idea of poppies came to me from the poem "Death be not proud" by John Donne. It's worth looking it up. The title came from a line of this poem.**

**I don't own JATD.**

**And poppies or charms can make us sleep as well**

The man clutched a pillow against his chest, biting the one corner. He was crouching and the corners of the pillow peeked out from between his puzzle-clad knees.

A colourful hat lay on the floor, one of the bells on the other side of the room, thrown in a white haze of anger, it clanged against the wall, contrasting the happy sound it made normally. It showed what was hidden inside the broken man.

No one wanted him. No one had time for him.

He'd gone to Jane, but she went off with Gunther to train. He went to her again, but she had to do something with Dragon. Again, but she had to play with the princess. He thought they were together, that he would marry her in the near future, but she hadn't seen him breaking slowly, his heart shrinking piece by little piece, his jokes becoming half-hearted and slow, his attention wandering off.

The king had finally told him to take a few days leave, to gather himself and to write new material. Jester knew it was only a matter of time before their king decided to let him go. He was just glad he wasn't an angry king that would execute his clown for not being funny.

Pepper had to train the new girl in the kitchen and still cater to the entire castle and the staff and she also had Rake, so expecting her to have time for him was out of the question. But Jane was his love – how could she forsake him? How could she leave him? She was his best friend and she knew him the best – how could she not see it? He was not fine.

He was slowly losing his mind, or that was what it felt like.

His parents had spoken to him only a month ago and told him they would be leaving the kingdom. He tried to argue against it, because he couldn't be left alone and they had been his only guard against solitude. He would get lonely, and when that happened…

He slowly got up. Maybe Jane would have time for him now. Maybe she would see his heart, his shattering heart. He could hear the glass in his own ears. He didn't know his heart was so fragile, that it was made of bloody glass!

Jester threw the pillow aside and rushed out the door, taking the steps two at a time, to his lady. Perhaps she would see it. She had to. Or he didn't know what he would do.

He found her in the courtyard, just as she was dismounting Dragon.

"Jane?"

"Hello, Jester. I'm afraid I can't chat, I have to meet Smithy for…"

"Jane." He said her name, a single word – a single syllable. She stopped.

"Jester, I really don't have time right now." She said kindly. He was trying to understand, but she had been so busy that he hadn't even been able to tell her about his parents. They were gone now. They had left him alone.

"Then I'm ending this." He said, "Whatever we are, it's over now. I'll be looking for my dignity elsewhere, because waiting for you is stealing all of it."

"Jester, I-"

But he was walking away. There were tears staining his cheeks, leaking into his mouth, the salty liquid meeting his tongue and others running down his pale neck.

He was done. He had had enough. Jane would run to Dragon. The king could easily find a new jester. His parents didn't care anyway.

The fool walked up to his room slowly, dragging his shirt off his body and tossing it onto his unmade bed.

Rake had told him of some of the values of poppies. And that it would induce a sleep-like state. That's what he needed – sleep, sleep that lasted a lifetime, because he needed it desperately. To escape his whirlwind of emotions that he wasn't equipped to manage.

He'd watched Rake making some drops from the flowers, before he'd copied him. Rake hadn't told him the actual qualities of the flowers and that they became opium, thinking a euphemism would be better. Rake had just signed his friend's death warrant.

The following morning Jane entered his room and found him sleeping. No, not sleeping. She thought it would work if she gave him time to cool down, because what he said was right. She was being selfish with him. She knew she was his world, but she hardly had the time for him. She had this innate idea that he would always be there and always be waiting for her.

She took a step closer. She thought she could be fooling herself into thinking he was just sleeping. But he wasn't. She knew it the moment she saw him, because Jester never slept on his back and he always slept with his mouth open.

. . .

**A/N: Please review.**


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